God is good. He is STILL on the throne.

I promised I would write a little bit about our agencies policy to allow couples to only adopt younger than our youngest.
When we began this process we had the perfect plan. We would adopt a baby girl, as perfect or as "correctable" as possible, as young as possible. As we began our process and began looking through the children on the All Gods Children website God changed our hearts. We fell in love with a boy who we thought at the time was 8 years old. His name is Mason. We prayed and prayed. I could not watch his video without crying. He is completely blind and uses a cane. He was so sweet and kind of reminded me of a blind, Chinese Christian(I know that sounds weird but even friends who saw his video agreed!). His video showed us a smiling boy who was putting beads on a string. He looked so happy and proud of himself for the task he was accomplishing.
Jeremy and I finally asked, while we were down in NC visiting my MIL. We asked our agency during our routine phone call. And we were told that it was very unlikely that we would be allowed to adopt Mason. I know that it sounds so strange but I honestly felt like someone just told me I lost a pregnancy. I had thought for a long time that this boy was going to be my son and it had never crossed my mind, even a little bit, that we would be told no. I had dreams of introducing him to Christian, of having them be friends. I had dreams of picking him up from the orphanage and him being shy at first but then loving being with us because we so loved him already. Everything that I had thought and dreamed about him I had never imagined that our agency would tell us no. Not when such a boy, an older child with a serious special need, needed a special home. And I truly felt like our home was his special home. To be completely honest with you, I still do.
Jeremy came to me a month later and told me about another, younger boy. Robbie could see some colors and shapes. We thought we were good to go. His disability was not as severe, he could speak some english, he was younger and we had been approved up to age 5. And we got our hopes up and we were told no again. And this time I had to feel heartbreak as I watched my husband go through the same thing with Robbie that I had gone through with Mason.
Im telling you this in dramatic overtones maybe(or maybe not because the wounds are still fresh) but Im telling this to you this way so that you can understand and take seriously what I say next and how difficult it was to come to this conclusion:
I know that Gods plan is always a good one.
Even as I sit here reading what I wrote, especially about Mason, with tears in my eyes and my mind full of what could possibly be a family-less future for the boy I truly thought was my son, I know that Gods plan is going to work this out for the best. Time has healed me some. I still look longingly at his picture and think about how much I love him and how much I would love him here in the US with us, tucking him into his bed with his brothers. But God is doing what is best. And God is good. I have to trust that Mason will be in Gods hands. And when Mason is adopted I will be the first to message that family and tell them that I love that boy and that I will keep praying for him forever.
But God is good. I know that you can read my heartbreak so I want you to know that through what seems like such an unjust thing, GOD IS STILL GOOD. He is STILL on the throne.
Do not think that we have given up. If Mason is not matched with a family when he is 13 we will fight again for him, to keep him from aging out. And if we are denied again we will donate towards his future through a program our agency has.
My dreams have changed for this precious boy because I know that God wants me to dream other things to get through this. I dream that Mason is matched with an INCREDIBLE family. I dream that we can meet him or that he and Christian can become penpals. I dream that he is LOVED but most of all I dream that he find Jesus and knows that he is someones son and always will be.
So we move on. I have to confess my thoughts are still with older children so I am still praying through every difficult turn. But we have seen some sweet babies as we have continued to press forward. We know our son or daughter is there somewhere, crying silent tears and wishing their mom and dad would want them soon. We are so thankful to God that we can catch them before that hurt sinks in too deeply. Thank God that we can adopt a child before they see others leave before them, so they never feel that hurt.
I know some of you are angry, some are horrified, some hate China, some are thinking that our agency doesnt know what they are doing. Im here to ask you to please dont feel any of those things. We are sad. You can feel sadness with us. But dont be angry at our agency or at China. God is still on the throne and He knows what is happening in both places. Our agency is doing the best they can do and after 25 years of following Gods call for orphans, we must trust them. We have to trust that they love Mason and Robbie just as much as we do, maybe even more. Instead of being angry at anyone research about Chinas orphanages, donate funds to an older child, especially children aging out, or look around at your empty nest and see if an older child, a 13 year old boy or girl who will, in 1 years time, be called an adult, would fit well in your home. And please pray pray pray pray for these kids. I truly believe that God has a very special place in His kingdom for orphans. Please pray for these kids.