I Never Thought I'd Say No

You have gone through so much with us, dear readers. Thank you for your prayers and your faithfulness through this.
Our agency has brought us two little boys. One was so precious, his name is J. We watched his video and after a talk we said no. There was nothing wrong with this boy so we knew that he would be adopted fast. We were just looking more for a child that was harder to place.
We are one of the only families our agency has that is looking for a child with Vision Impairments(VI). Not many families are willing to take that on so we have been very firm that we would like to adopt a child that is either blind or can see very little. We are open to many "disabilities" including a missing limb, fused limbs or appendages, cleft palate, blindness, deafness, and many others that would be very difficult to explain but are common in China. The list of disabilities we are open to is very long. But we definitely have a heart for those who are blind.
So knowing that our agency brought us A. A was completely blind with congenital cataracts in both eyes and so so beautiful!!! We said YES! We were so excited. Our next step was to go to the International Pediatrician and have her review his case.
After talking to the pediatrician we had to say no to A. And again our hearts broke.
We knew our limits going in. Once we realized that Gods plan was not for us to take the easy route(a "correctable" or "perfect" baby), we had to really look hard at what we could or could not do. We had said no to several disabilities, such as muscular distrophy, severe cerebral palsy, and a few others. We are not interested in having a genius in the family, thats not what we are looking for, but we are looking for a child who will be at least able to eventually be independent, even in an assisted living situation.
When the International Pediatrician talked to us she asked us if we had ever had experience with a blind person. Jeremy said no but I brought up a woman who I had worked with when I worked with adults with developmental disabilities. This woman was blind, deaf, non-verbal, and extremely self-abusive. Her mother had had Rubella while pregnant(german measles) and because of that the baby, this woman, ended up with every disability you can imagine. She was able to walk but she could do little else. She was precious. She was about 30 and she was a little shorter than Caleb(who is almost 5). I had never even talked to Jeremy about her, it was just a God thing that I would mention her to the pediatrician because towards the end of the conversation, when we just wanted it to be put very plainly for us, she said that this boy, little A, would be very similar.
We are happy in the knowledge that baby A will be able to be placed into a family who a lot more information about him, now that the international pediatrician has laid it all out for them. God is good.

Prayer requests:
1- Funding. This is going to be a little more serious right now. Usually I say, "general funding". Right now our funding is very specific. Each child we say yes to has to be brought before the international pediatrician. The first case, baby A, cost us $575. Each time we say yes to a child we will pay an additional $400. So if the next child we say yes to goes before the international pediatrician and again we have to say no, that is almost $1,000 that is just gone. This is very scary for us, we had no thoughts that we would have to say no to anyone. I never thought I would say no. So please pray and see where you heart leads you.
2- Baby A. Since his disabilities are so severe it may cause other families to also say no. Please pray that a special family is out there for this precious boy.
3- the older kids. They age out and are considered adults at age 14. Please pray that they find Jesus in this dark land.
4- our patience. We have already said no to 2 kids and we have been told no about 2 kids. This is difficult but we know that God has a plan for us. Please pray for our child, we know God has him or her out there.

God is good. He is STILL on the throne.

I promised I would write a little bit about our agencies policy to allow couples to only adopt younger than our youngest.
When we began this process we had the perfect plan. We would adopt a baby girl, as perfect or as "correctable" as possible, as young as possible. As we began our process and began looking through the children on the All Gods Children website God changed our hearts. We fell in love with a boy who we thought at the time was 8 years old. His name is Mason. We prayed and prayed. I could not watch his video without crying. He is completely blind and uses a cane. He was so sweet and kind of reminded me of a blind, Chinese Christian(I know that sounds weird but even friends who saw his video agreed!). His video showed us a smiling boy who was putting beads on a string. He looked so happy and proud of himself for the task he was accomplishing.
Jeremy and I finally asked, while we were down in NC visiting my MIL. We asked our agency during our routine phone call. And we were told that it was very unlikely that we would be allowed to adopt Mason. I know that it sounds so strange but I honestly felt like someone just told me I lost a pregnancy. I had thought for a long time that this boy was going to be my son and it had never crossed my mind, even a little bit, that we would be told no. I had dreams of introducing him to Christian, of having them be friends. I had dreams of picking him up from the orphanage and him being shy at first but then loving being with us because we so loved him already. Everything that I had thought and dreamed about him I had never imagined that our agency would tell us no. Not when such a boy, an older child with a serious special need, needed a special home. And I truly felt like our home was his special home. To be completely honest with you, I still do.
Jeremy came to me a month later and told me about another, younger boy. Robbie could see some colors and shapes. We thought we were good to go. His disability was not as severe, he could speak some english, he was younger and we had been approved up to age 5. And we got our hopes up and we were told no again. And this time I had to feel heartbreak as I watched my husband go through the same thing with Robbie that I had gone through with Mason.
Im telling you this in dramatic overtones maybe(or maybe not because the wounds are still fresh) but Im telling this to you this way so that you can understand and take seriously what I say next and how difficult it was to come to this conclusion:
I know that Gods plan is always a good one.
Even as I sit here reading what I wrote, especially about Mason, with tears in my eyes and my mind full of what could possibly be a family-less future for the boy I truly thought was my son, I know that Gods plan is going to work this out for the best. Time has healed me some. I still look longingly at his picture and think about how much I love him and how much I would love him here in the US with us, tucking him into his bed with his brothers. But God is doing what is best. And God is good. I have to trust that Mason will be in Gods hands. And when Mason is adopted I will be the first to message that family and tell them that I love that boy and that I will keep praying for him forever.
But God is good. I know that you can read my heartbreak so I want you to know that through what seems like such an unjust thing, GOD IS STILL GOOD. He is STILL on the throne.
Do not think that we have given up. If Mason is not matched with a family when he is 13 we will fight again for him, to keep him from aging out. And if we are denied again we will donate towards his future through a program our agency has.
My dreams have changed for this precious boy because I know that God wants me to dream other things to get through this. I dream that Mason is matched with an INCREDIBLE family. I dream that we can meet him or that he and Christian can become penpals. I dream that he is LOVED but most of all I dream that he find Jesus and knows that he is someones son and always will be.
So we move on. I have to confess my thoughts are still with older children so I am still praying through every difficult turn. But we have seen some sweet babies as we have continued to press forward. We know our son or daughter is there somewhere, crying silent tears and wishing their mom and dad would want them soon. We are so thankful to God that we can catch them before that hurt sinks in too deeply. Thank God that we can adopt a child before they see others leave before them, so they never feel that hurt.
I know some of you are angry, some are horrified, some hate China, some are thinking that our agency doesnt know what they are doing. Im here to ask you to please dont feel any of those things. We are sad. You can feel sadness with us. But dont be angry at our agency or at China. God is still on the throne and He knows what is happening in both places. Our agency is doing the best they can do and after 25 years of following Gods call for orphans, we must trust them. We have to trust that they love Mason and Robbie just as much as we do, maybe even more. Instead of being angry at anyone research about Chinas orphanages, donate funds to an older child, especially children aging out, or look around at your empty nest and see if an older child, a 13 year old boy or girl who will, in 1 years time, be called an adult, would fit well in your home. And please pray pray pray pray for these kids. I truly believe that God has a very special place in His kingdom for orphans. Please pray for these kids.

Timing and Patience

Hello everyone!
Things have gotten increasingly complicated in our very simple lives. I am not one to put my kids in a lot of classes, we like to learn at home, exercise at home and do crafts at home. However, this year my oldest son got interested in baseball so we are now at baseball every Tuesday. My youngest daughter decided to try her hand at computer coding and finishes up her last class at Sylvan this Thursday. My second oldest, who wants to divide her adult life between short term missions to China as a therapist and a full time job as a baker, had the awesome opportunity to take a 9 week Wilton Decorating class through our home school co-op. So we are running every which way right now, which is definitely not the norm in our household! I am sorry that I have not been able to keep up with my writing!
Please allow me to fill you in on what we are doing now in our adoption process:
We have sent our dossier and fee into the hands of our agency and they are getting ready to ship it to China to be logged in. Once we get our log in date(LID) we no longer have to worry so much about deadlines. This is a huge relief. Our dossier was our last huge packet of paperwork. We are happy to say goodbye :-).
We have sent our paperwork and fee to immigration and are now waiting for them to set up another fingerprinting.
We have sent in our medical checklist to our agency. These sheets have every disability you can even imagine and many you do not want to on it. We are very open to almost every disability but there are many disabilities we think the agency would deny us due to the number of children we have in our home.
Many of you know that we have had our hearts set on adopting an older child. We received the heartbreaking news that we will not be allowed to adopt a child who is out of birth order. This means that the child we adopt must be 10 months younger than our youngest(Josiah just turned 3). We received this news 3 weeks ago and are just now beginning to recover from that news and set our minds on having another young one in our home. I will have another post on this subject at another time, as many people have been upset and some angry over our agency's decision. So stay tuned.
On another completely unrelated note but not really because it has to do with family: my amazing mother is battling bone marrow cancer- also known as multiple myeloma. I wont invade her privacy or mine by going into all sorts of details but I will ask you to be very patient with me, my time and my emotions.


Our prayer requests have not changed much :-) but here they are:
1- sorry! financials!!! We got to our deadline, passed it, received a VERY generous extension, passed that, and ended up having to pay the fee for our dossier out of funds from another of our accounts. We have bills to pay that may take a hit this time around. So please pray that we start making money quickly. We have a vendor show, another garage sale, a bake sale, and many other things planned.
2- for time for me- between trips to see mom, trips to drs, trips to classes with kids, keeping up with meals and cleaning and home schooling, and on top of all of that trying to plan and carry out fundraisers, Im is feeling a little overwhelmed. Please pray that God grants me extra times in my schedule to just snuggle in bed with my kids, spend quality time with Jeremy, and just look at my family. Praising God that school is almost over and we can enjoy a long summer.
3- for my mother, for pain management, relief from chemo side effects, and so much more.
4- for Jeremy who is trying to balance finding grants and being the provider of our home.
5- for me and my back. Knowing that now we will be picking up a baby in China I need to have time to work on strengthening my back, which is damaged due to years of working with people in wheelchairs. Once our child realizes that we are taking him or her they tend not to want to be put down and will want to be held most of the 2 weeks we are in China. Most importantly, however, holding our child also fosters attachment which is SO critical at the age our child will be. They encourage that a child attach to one caregiver primarily and it would not be good to have him or her attach to Jeremy first because as soon as we are back in the states he will be at work full time again. So pray that my back can handle constant carrying of a child who will be the size of approximately a 1 or 2 year old.
6- the referral process. This is by far the most difficult thing about our adoption. Children are brought to us, we review them, and then we decide who will be our child. There is obviously a lot more to it but this is basically what we are doing. So please pray for this very emotionally difficult process.

Thank you so much for your time reading through our blog. If you feel led to donate please do so by going to our gofundme account at gofundme.com/hoffmanadoption. Please continue to pray for us. We know this is a long time to wait, trust me, we definitely know :-). And we thank you for continuing to support us and ask us about our baby. Love you all!!!!!